


My Hope is my Despair

by Non_Lo_So



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25630108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Non_Lo_So/pseuds/Non_Lo_So
Summary: maybe i’ll add another part when i’m not so tired. i’m gonna take a nap now
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito (one sided)
Kudos: 34





	My Hope is my Despair

what do i even say? how do i feel? did i have to go and say that? could it have been just fine if i didn’t say it? 

how would this have gone if i simply didn’t say anything? should i have left it a blissfully unaware fact? could i have just buried that feeling deep inside, never letting it see the light of day? why did i have go and ruin things? did i mess it up? 

i don’t know. i think i messed it up. i probably fucked everything up, didn't i? i tend to almost always do that. i don’t have a reason for doing that. 

maybe i felt things too fast. maybe i thought something was there when it really wasn’t. maybe i should just stop feeling these kinds of things, it seems to end up bad anyways. 

i’m so stupid. i’m always like this. i’m a fucking mess. 

everything i do is just a mistake. everything i am is a mistake. 

why does he have to make my heart skip a beat. why does he have to smile at me like that. why must me make me feel like that. why does it have to be him. 

he’s perfect. everything about him is perfect. flawless. the way he talks is like honey. it’s so saccharine that it makes me nauseous. i feel sick and dizzy in all the right ways. 

but he’s not for me. he doesn’t deserve filth like me to be attached to him. every smile he flashes my way is like a knife. a knife that cuts deep and good. 

i know he hates me. i hope he does, at least. i only bring bad luck to others. i would end up hurting him if he comes close. 

all i want is for him to feel the same but i know he shouldn’t i know he’ll never i know that’s its hopeless. 

he is hope. everything he ever will be is hope. nothing less, only more. 

but these feelings aren’t. these feelings i selfishly harbor all to myself will never be hope. nothing i am is hope. 

i’m nothing more than a tool. tools don’t have hope, tools have to be used. i want him to use me. i want it so bad it hurts. 

but i can’t have it. 

i’ll never have it. 

he should never lay his pristine hands on my filth. if i were to dirty him… no, i can’t think about that. i don’t want to think about it. 

so why did i do it? why did i tell him how i feel? why did i have to let it slip out?

it was a mistake, i didn’t mean it. but i told him i did. i want to say that it’s a joke, that it’s a test. 

i know that face. 

don’t look at me like that. don’t look at me with disgust. don’t look at me like you’re in pain. don’t hurt me. 

stop. 

stop. 

STOP. 

STOP LOOKING AT ME. 

JUST GO AWAY. 

I’M BEGGING YOU TO JUST GO AWAY. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME NOW. 

I WANT TO PRETEND YOU DON’T. 

LET ME PRETEND. 

…….

please… 

let me pretend i didn’t hurt you… 

i never meant to make you hate me. 

i just wanted you to not care about me as much as you do the others. 

all i wanted…

was to keep you safe…

so please…

look at me without hatred one more time…

one more time. 

then you can go away. 

or just say something. 

say anything. 

speak. 

don’t leave me hanging like this. 

if you hate me now just say it. 

stop shaking your head and answer me. 

oh. 

of course you’d just shake your head and leave. that’s what i expected. but maybe i didn’t expect you to look so scared. 

you hate me now, don’t you? even though that’s what i wanted i can’t help but feel…

hurt. 

hurt because even though i wanted protect you by making you hate me, i’m so selfishly desperate for you to like me. for you to love me. 

i want you so bad it kills me. 

and now i know for sure,

that you will never feel the same.

**Author's Note:**

> maybe i’ll add another part when i’m not so tired. i’m gonna take a nap now


End file.
